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Mobile Living: Servicing Birtha Love (My Car)

(April 11, 2019)

Video Transcript:

(showing car)


ON TOP of the car.

The scratches on top of the car, that’s what really…

Just kind of drives the point home.

I mean…

Birtha done been right through the shit, y’all.

I have an appointment with Subaru today just to make sure everything is okay, get an oil change, etc.

(shows scratches on top of car)

Just about lost that mirror.

Yeah, um, ya know, hmm, about that BLM land camping thing…

Don’t do it wrong.

I’m just like…

Yeah, I was there.

But I still wonder…

How exactly the top of the car got scratched?

Down the length of it?

(shows scratches on roof of car)

I mean…


What the fuck?


I love you Birtha.

I love you.

And I deeply apologize.


I don’t want anybody out there getting the idea that I’m not a good driver, okay?

I am not a bad driver, that’s just it. I’m really not, honestly.

I’m actually pretty decent at driving.

The issue was not that I’m a bad driver, the issue is that I went off-road, something that I’ve never done anyway. And I just had no fucking experience with that. Coupled with the fact that I just lost track of where I was. And then when I realized I’d lost track of where I was and stopped to try and plot a course out…

I didn’t know what direction WAS out. So I just took a path that I scoped out a path that was kinda clear and drove through that. And then once I drove through that, a few things came up, and then…


I navigated around those “few things” and then eventually was totally off the reservation.

I was legitimately off the reservation, at the worst of it, I would see a couple trucks and campers in the distance.

And I’m like well okay, there’s gotta be a way to get over there, right? No.

I was lost in THE SHIT.

I was like if I could just get over to those campers…

And later, I figured out the camper and truck was the camphost’s camper and truck.

It’s easy to lose track of where you are if you’re not ON A ROAD.

It sounds obvious, sounds common sense, and it is once you learn the REALLY HARD and WILDLY DANGEROUS way not to do it.

(pans camera)

Look at this totally clear and safe area that I managed to navigate to in a more acceptable BLM setting.

So Birtha went to Subaru and she got a clean bill of health. They even shined her up a little bit.

They made her new scratches look a little better. A little polish in the scratches, can’t go wrong with that, pretty good.

The other BLM place…

I still haven’t been able to get ahold of the host, he’s off duty every time and I’m starting to think he’s like…

Dead in there. What if he’s legit dead in his camper. I’m really starting to wonder because like what the fuck?

This is like the third day. Tomorrow is Friday and temperatures are pretty good here, so if he’s not out then? I’m just afraid the guy’s dead cuz honestly, these campground folks are like elderly as fuck. They could easily bite the big one in there and nobody would know, cuz who comes and checks on the campground host?

It is absolutely gorgeous. This will be my second night out of 14 nights that you can stay.

Still haven’t registered. It bothers me, I like to go by the book. I’ll try again tomorrow. But I’m getting tired of driving up there. Like, where IS he??

With more experience now, navigating the BLM lands, and with Birtha in tip-top condition with an oil change…

I’m ready to stay here for a while and see what it’s like.

It’s totally a rock. I feel like it’s a meteorite. Or like a big huge pile of shit, or a giant bee thing? It’s not cuz there are other ones laying around…

(shows rock)

Look at that shit, what is that?

Every time I start to navigate this shit, Birtha’s like, “Bitch.” And I’m just like, “Relax. I’ve got this.”